Last Wednesday, June 22, we decided it was probably time to go to the hospice house. We knew Miller had taken a turn for the worse and that his days were numbered. Even though we had said from the beginning that we wanted to be at the hospice house when Miller passed, we hesitated when the time actually came. Part of us thought maybe it would be best to just stay at home, but the more we thought about it, we made the tough decision to pack up and head that way. It was SO hard to leave the house. I told Patrick that I wanted to sit in his nursery with him and rock him one last time. I just couldn't believe this would be the last time I rocked my baby boy in his nursery!
Once we got to Circle of Life, we got settled in our room and spent the rest of the day holding Miller and visiting with friends and family that stopped by to see us. Monsignor LeSieur came and gave him the Sacrament of Confirmation and Sacrament of the Sick. That was a very special time for us.
Everyone left the Hospice House at around 10:00pm and it was just the 3 of us:). Patrick and I decided that we would take turns holding him throughout the night. During my 1a-3a shift, I gave him permission to go ahead and go to Heaven. I assured him that we would be okay and that he would feel so much better if he would just LET GO! I knew he was fighting for US! He was working so hard! Patrick took his shift from 3a-5a while I slept. I rolled over at 5:30am and looked over at them. They were both sleeping so soundly and I was SO tired that I just wanted to go back to sleep. I told myself that I should let them sleep and get some more sleep myself, because tomorrow was going to be a busy day with lots of visitors and I would just hold him all day the next day. I laid back down for a little while, but something told me I needed to get up and take my turn, so I woke them up and we did the switch off. I was in the recliner holding Miller and Patrick climbed into bed to try to get some sleep. As he was laying down, he told me he loved me and then said "I love you Miller". Those were the last words little Miller heard his daddy say:). I was in and out of sleep with him sleeping on my chest. At one point the nurse came in to give him some medicine and I expressed concern about how shallow his breathing was. The nurse said that it was because he was so relaxed and told me that he didn't have the feeling AT ALL that Miller would pass that night, so I calmed down and went back to sleep. I am so thankful that the nurse told us that, because if he had told us he thought it would be soon, we would have been panicked all night. When I woke up at 7:36am, I had my hand on his back and I could tell he wasn't breathing. I yelled at Patrick to wake him up and told him to come over there because I didn't think Miller was breathing. He came over and put his hand on Miller's back and we both sat there in silence. We had been warned that he may have episodes of not breathing and then start breathing again, so we didn't want to rush out and get the nurse, just in case this really wasn't the end. We didn't want it to be a chaotic situation, so we just sat. We sat for probably 5 minutes with our hands on his back. He was laying so still on my chest, and my heart was beating SO fast, that it almost looked like his heart was beating. I guess his heart was beating through mine:). We finally decided to go get the nurses. Three of them came in. One was listening to his chest. She listened for what seemed like FOREVER! They turned the oxygen machine off so she could hear better. I think the second I heard the silence of the room without machines on, that is when it REALLY hit me. It was silent, and the room was so still. After about 1 minute, the nurse looked at me with tears in her eyes and shook her head. Uugh! As I am writing this, that horrible feeling is coming back to me! I will never forget that moment!
The nurses told us to take as long as we wanted with him and to let them know when we were ready to have them call the funeral home. Patrick and I held our baby boy and sobbed for probably an hour before we finally told them we were ready. When the funeral home came to pick him up, they told us that it wasn't required by law that they take him. If we wanted to take him ourselves we could. As strange as that sounds, that was what we wanted to do. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, one of my biggest fears was watching him be taken from us. This way, he didn't get taken from us, we got to drop him off. For whatever reason, that felt better to us.
The nurse came in the room and told us she had all of the other patient rooms doors closed and that whenever we were ready we could leave with him. That was a walk we will never forget. We got to the car and Patrick offered to drive and let me hold him in the back, but I wanted to drive. The last month or so, when we have taken Miller in the car with us, we have sat in the back seat and held him because he couldn't tolerate his car bed anymore. He couldn't lay flat because all of the weight put too much pressure on him, making it too hard to breathe. Patrick would always hold him and I would drive, (because I trusted my driving better;), so that's what I wanted to do now. It seemed normal. Just like we were going to the doctor or something.
We took our time getting to the funeral home. I have never been in less of a hurry in my life! Once we got there, we carried him in, signed some papers, then handed him over. This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do!!! The only thing that gave me any peace was reminding myself that he wasn't there. He was in Heaven looking down on us:)!
Patrick and I stood in the parking lot, holding each other and sobbing for about 5 minutes before we could pull ourselves together and drive home. On our way home, we stopped by Jim and Rhonda's to pick up Cole. He was outside playing in the front yard. I went over and picked him up and asked him if he knew where Miller was. He said "in the car?", I said "no". He said "at home?", I said "no". He said "Minner MACNeil in Heabin???", I said "YES, he's in Heaven" (he had been telling us for a few weeks that Miller was going to Heaven). We stood there and looked up at the sky together and that was that. He hasn't asked any more questions. When he asks, we will answer honestly, but in the meantime, we don't see any need to overwhelm him with info he isn't ready for.
We came home to my mom, dad, sister and cousin. Walking into the house wasn't as hard as I had imagined. I know having Cole with us helped:)! I am very OCD, so the first thing I went to do was unpack our bags. I unpacked mine and Patrick's bags, then went to Miller's nursery and started unpacking his bag. It felt so normal to me. I was just going about my business putting up diapers and hanging up clothes when it hit me. It hit me HARD! I broke down crying! My baby boy would never be coming home again. I would never put another diaper on him or dress him in his clothes. The thought was too much to bear!
The funeral home called and asked if we could come back around 3:00 to talk about arrangements. They said if we wanted to bring some things for Miller to have that we could. I asked if we could see him again and they said of course we could! I couldn't wait to see him again! We took him one of his favorite blankets, his blue dog, and the glow worm that his friend Hudson gave him before we left Mercy to head to Arkansas Children's Hospital.
When we got to the funeral home we visited about arrangements first, then she went back to get him. We had brought a different outfit for him to wear (the precious little blue bubble outfit he wore at the brunch after his Baptism), so she changed his clothes and wrapped him in his blanket before she brought him to us. He looked so peaceful.....no cord, no wires, no feeding tube! Our precious baby boy was FREE:)!!! We took turns holding him. We "shhhhh'd him and patted his bottom just like he liked. This was the closure we needed.
Handing him over AGAIN was so hard, but the feeling I had when we pulled out of the parking lot was different. My heart still hurt, but I felt more peace.
We have been keeping ourselves busy. Making arrangements for the memorial service has taken a lot of our time and we have had TONS of friends and family checking in on us. We are SO blessed.
As bad as Miller's passing was, it was everything we had prayed for. Miller knew what he was doing:)! He knew that we wanted it to be just the 3 of us when he passed. He knew that our family and friends were going to start coming to visit around 8:00am, so he fought until the very last minute, to give us as much time as we could possibly have. He knew I didn't want him to pass at night. Everything seems worse when it's dark outside. He knew we wanted him to go in his sleep, but had mixed emotions about that, because selfishly I wanted to be holding him when he passed. This way I got both:)! He knew we couldn't stand to see him gasp for his last breath, so he went while we were sleeping too. But most of all, Miller KNEW he was LOVED!!!
Thank you all for your prayers and support! We are so grateful!
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