One Year Ago: Our Angel Was Called Home

June 23, 2011...Our Angel was called Home

Last Wednesday, June 22, we decided it was probably time to go to the hospice house. We knew Miller had taken a turn for the worse and that his days were numbered. Even though we had said from the beginning that we wanted to be at the hospice house when Miller passed, we hesitated when the time actually came. Part of us thought maybe it would be best to just stay at home, but the more we thought about it, we made the tough decision to pack up and head that way. It was SO hard to leave the house. I told Patrick that I wanted to sit in his nursery with him and rock him one last time. I just couldn't believe this would be the last time I rocked my baby boy in his nursery!

Once we got to Circle of Life, we got settled in our room and spent the rest of the day holding Miller and visiting with friends and family that stopped by to see us. Monsignor LeSieur came and gave him the Sacrament of Confirmation and Sacrament of the Sick. That was a very special time for us.

Everyone left the Hospice House at around 10:00pm and it was just the 3 of us:). Patrick and I decided that we would take turns holding him throughout the night. During my 1a-3a shift, I gave him permission to go ahead and go to Heaven. I assured him that we would be okay and that he would feel so much better if he would just LET GO! I knew he was fighting for US! He was working so hard! Patrick took his shift from 3a-5a while I slept. I rolled over at 5:30am and looked over at them. They were both sleeping so soundly and I was SO tired that I just wanted to go back to sleep. I told myself that I should let them sleep and get some more sleep myself, because tomorrow was going to be a busy day with lots of visitors and I would just hold him all day the next day. I laid back down for a little while, but something told me I needed to get up and take my turn, so I woke them up and we did the switch off. I was in the recliner holding Miller and Patrick climbed into bed to try to get some sleep. As he was laying down, he told me he loved me and then said "I love you Miller". Those were the last words little Miller heard his daddy say:). I was in and out of sleep with him sleeping on my chest. At one point the nurse came in to give him some medicine and I expressed concern about how shallow his breathing was. The nurse said that it was because he was so relaxed and told me that he didn't have the feeling AT ALL that Miller would pass that night, so I calmed down and went back to sleep. I am so thankful that the nurse told us that, because if he had told us he thought it would be soon, we would have been panicked all night. When I woke up at 7:36am, I had my hand on his back and I could tell he wasn't breathing. I yelled at Patrick to wake him up and told him to come over there because I didn't think Miller was breathing. He came over and put his hand on Miller's back and we both sat there in silence. We had been warned that he may have episodes of not breathing and then start breathing again, so we didn't want to rush out and get the nurse, just in case this really wasn't the end. We didn't want it to be a chaotic situation, so we just sat. We sat for probably 5 minutes with our hands on his back. He was laying so still on my chest, and my heart was beating SO fast, that it almost looked like his heart was beating. I guess his heart was beating through mine:). We finally decided to go get the nurses. Three of them came in. One was listening to his chest. She listened for what seemed like FOREVER! They turned the oxygen machine off so she could hear better. I think the second I heard the silence of the room without machines on, that is when it REALLY hit me. It was silent, and the room was so still. After about 1 minute, the nurse looked at me with tears in her eyes and shook her head. Uugh! As I am writing this, that horrible feeling is coming back to me! I will never forget that moment!

The nurses told us to take as long as we wanted with him and to let them know when we were ready to have them call the funeral home. Patrick and I held our baby boy and sobbed for probably an hour before we finally told them we were ready. When the funeral home came to pick him up, they told us that it wasn't required by law that they take him. If we wanted to take him ourselves we could. As strange as that sounds, that was what we wanted to do. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, one of my biggest fears was watching him be taken from us. This way, he didn't get taken from us, we got to drop him off. For whatever reason, that felt better to us.

The nurse came in the room and told us she had all of the other patient rooms doors closed and that whenever we were ready we could leave with him. That was a walk we will never forget. We got to the car and Patrick offered to drive and let me hold him in the back, but I wanted to drive. The last month or so, when we have taken Miller in the car with us, we have sat in the back seat and held him because he couldn't tolerate his car bed anymore. He couldn't lay flat because all of the weight put too much pressure on him, making it too hard to breathe. Patrick would always hold him and I would drive, (because I trusted my driving better;), so that's what I wanted to do now. It seemed normal. Just like we were going to the doctor or something.

We took our time getting to the funeral home. I have never been in less of a hurry in my life! Once we got there, we carried him in, signed some papers, then handed him over. This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do!!! The only thing that gave me any peace was reminding myself that he wasn't there. He was in Heaven looking down on us:)!

Patrick and I stood in the parking lot, holding each other and sobbing for about 5 minutes before we could pull ourselves together and drive home. On our way home, we stopped by Jim and Rhonda's to pick up Cole. He was outside playing in the front yard. I went over and picked him up and asked him if he knew where Miller was. He said "in the car?", I said "no". He said "at home?", I said "no". He said "Minner MACNeil in Heabin???", I said "YES, he's in Heaven" (he had been telling us for a few weeks that Miller was going to Heaven). We stood there and looked up at the sky together and that was that. He hasn't asked any more questions. When he asks, we will answer honestly, but in the meantime, we don't see any need to overwhelm him with info he isn't ready for.

We came home to my mom, dad, sister and cousin. Walking into the house wasn't as hard as I had imagined. I know having Cole with us helped:)! I am very OCD, so the first thing I went to do was unpack our bags. I unpacked mine and Patrick's bags, then went to Miller's nursery and started unpacking his bag. It felt so normal to me. I was just going about my business putting up diapers and hanging up clothes when it hit me. It hit me HARD! I broke down crying! My baby boy would never be coming home again. I would never put another diaper on him or dress him in his clothes. The thought was too much to bear!

The funeral home called and asked if we could come back around 3:00 to talk about arrangements. They said if we wanted to bring some things for Miller to have that we could. I asked if we could see him again and they said of course we could! I couldn't wait to see him again! We took him one of his favorite blankets, his blue dog, and the glow worm that his friend Hudson gave him before we left Mercy to head to Arkansas Children's Hospital.

When we got to the funeral home we visited about arrangements first, then she went back to get him. We had brought a different outfit for him to wear (the precious little blue bubble outfit he wore at the brunch after his Baptism), so she changed his clothes and wrapped him in his blanket before she brought him to us. He looked so peaceful.....no cord, no wires, no feeding tube! Our precious baby boy was FREE:)!!! We took turns holding him. We "shhhhh'd him and patted his bottom just like he liked. This was the closure we needed.

Handing him over AGAIN was so hard, but the feeling I had when we pulled out of the parking lot was different. My heart still hurt, but I felt more peace.

We have been keeping ourselves busy. Making arrangements for the memorial service has taken a lot of our time and we have had TONS of friends and family checking in on us. We are SO blessed.

As bad as Miller's passing was, it was everything we had prayed for. Miller knew what he was doing:)! He knew that we wanted it to be just the 3 of us when he passed. He knew that our family and friends were going to start coming to visit around 8:00am, so he fought until the very last minute, to give us as much time as we could possibly have. He knew I didn't want him to pass at night. Everything seems worse when it's dark outside. He knew we wanted him to go in his sleep, but had mixed emotions about that, because selfishly I wanted to be holding him when he passed. This way I got both:)! He knew we couldn't stand to see him gasp for his last breath, so he went while we were sleeping too. But most of all, Miller KNEW he was LOVED!!!

Thank you all for your prayers and support! We are so grateful!

Posted by Meredith Woodruff at 11:45 AM

45 comments:

Melanie said...

Meredith - I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. Miller is at peace now and you have your very own guardian angel to watch over you, Patrick, and Cole. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time.

June 26, 2011 12:22 PM

Tabitha and Kelly said...

Meredith,
We are still praying for you all. I am so sorry for your loss. I really have no words. Miller is definitely with all of us and we have been touched by his wonderful life! It seems as if your prayer warriors were praying hard and you seemed to receive your prayers for comfort for Miller, strength for you and Patrick and understanding for Cole. I will continue to pray for comfort, strength, understanding, peace and anything else you all need. God Bless you all!

June 26, 2011 12:28 PM

Anonymous said...

MOMMA MER---THANKS FOR WRITING THIS THE WAY YOU DID---ALL THE DETAILS, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR EMOTIONS,..... WHAT A LUCKY CHILD MR. MILLER WAS TO HAVE HAD YOU AND PATRICK AS PARENTS. GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY. PAPA

June 26, 2011 12:39 PM

Emily said...

Meredith and Patrick,
I have been following Miller's story for a while now and feel so blessed to have had the privilege to pray for your sweet boy. Your family has both inspired me and brought me to tears on multiple occasions. I always squeeze my babies tighter after reading one of your posts. Today's post is no different.
Miller and your whole family have touched people far beyond what you can imagine and we will all continue to pray for your family in the future. No one envies you the journey you have been on, but thank you so much for sharing that journey with so many.
May God wrap his arms around you and continue to bring you peace. I pray that you feel the love that this community has for each of you. We are forever 'with Miller'!

June 26, 2011 1:03 PM

Kylie said...

Meredith,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong person and a wonderful mother. Miller was so blessed and an inspiration to so many. This is such a powerful post, my heart is with your entire family.
Love you all,
Kylie

June 26, 2011 1:27 PM

hannah said...

hi meredith. i don't know you personally, but we have several mutual friends. i have been following miller's story from the day he was diagnosed.
i just want to say thank you. for what you have written. for sharing yours and millers story with us. as a mother of two little boys, it breaks my heart to read this post.
i cannot begin to know what you are feeling. please know that there are so, so many of us praying for you. your husband and your sweet little 3 year old. my prayers for your entire family shall not cease.

June 26, 2011 1:53 PM

Tracy Larson said...

Thank you for sharing Miller's story with the world. Amazing such a little boy could touch so many lives. May God grant you comfort and healing as He wraps Miller in His arms.

June 26, 2011 2:04 PM

JWheeler said...

You are such an inspiration!! God has used Miller to touch so many life's and he will continue doing so from heaven!! I pray for you all daily!

June 26, 2011 2:27 PM

Jeanie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Miller is now dancing with angels and feeling great! I was just directed to your blog two days ago, which is why this is my first time to comment.
Prayers for you all. God bless.

June 26, 2011 3:57 PM

Chris, Molly, and Baby said...

Meredith
I am so so sorry for the death of your sweet little boy. I delivered our 2nd daughter on 5 October 2009 and she presented immediately with breathing troubles.
My sweet June was diagnosed with SMA and lived until 27 October 2009 just 22 days.
I am here for you if you need to talk about your sweet boy or anything. I came across your blog from another blog that I follow that I don't even know the people. The SMA community is a super strong super supportive community and we are here to give you any kind of support that we can.
Like I said I am here to help you in any way. Even though I was involved in the SMA community I still felt very alone after June died. My heart just breaks each time I read about the death of another SMA child. I can't help but cry with you as I've been where you are and I know the pain you are in.
Please don't hesitate to get in touch with me.
Molly Howsden
Mama to SMA Angel June Marie Howsden
http://bootsieandbull.blogspot.com
mollyiteach@hotmail.com

June 26, 2011 4:06 PM

Autumn said...

I am in tears as I read this. It's hard to understand why these things happen to such special people. Everytime I see "I'm with Miller" I think of this scripture: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

June 26, 2011 4:31 PM

Brandi said...

My heart hurts for you and your family!!! Praying for you during this difficult time!

June 26, 2011 5:04 PM

Anonymous said...

Meredith - I know that you do not know me, but I was a friend of Patrick in High School. I have been following your sweet families story and Miller's journey from your blog since first finding out about him. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing such an amazing but difficult story with so many of us. I can not imagine how difficult it is to sit down and find the words to describe what you are going through. You have inspired so many through your faith, strength, and courage. Sweet baby Miller was a lucky little man to have had such a loving family around him and I know that he is in heaven waiting on the day that he will get to see you again. Thanks again for sharing such a special gift with us all. Praying for your family daily.
Love - Hayley Rudder

June 26, 2011 5:46 PM

Shawna said...

Oh Meredith, you and Patrick have my full heart and prayers right now. Reading this just breaks my heart all over again, but it also reminds me just how strong, caring and faithful you are...a truly amazing woman. I want to encourage you to continue to do so. I know that writing on my blog was a great therapy and release for me for years after dad passed. It helped me say all the things I wanted to say, but not aloud. Know that you all are so loved, and so was your sweet angel Miller McNeil. I am here for you if you ever need to talk or need anything at all...I only wish I wasn't so far away. Love you!

June 26, 2011 6:17 PM

Jenee' Clayton said...

I cannot imagine how hard that was to write...thank you for sharing such intimate details with us! You have shown such strength, faith and endurance...from the beginning to the end...it's admirable! We will continue to lift you up to the one and ONLY God that can continue to bring you peace!
Jenee'
Ps. Im with Miller!

June 26, 2011 7:26 PM

Stephanie said...

I have recently come across your blog and am so sorry your loss. I pray you feel God's presence today and always. We, too, have lost a son. Praying for you today and always.
Stephanie

June 26, 2011 8:01 PM

Stacie said...

I have been following your blog for a few weeks now and praying for Miller and for your family. My heart breaks for you today. I have been a pediatric nurse for 12 years but nothing ever gets easier about the death of a child. My prayers continue to be with your family in your time of sorrow.

June 26, 2011 8:51 PM

Melissa said...

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.
Prayers from Benton, AR! You have the most precious Angel by your side for eternity now! Many blessings and peace be with you!

June 26, 2011 9:04 PM

Dean, Mila, Parker, Presley, Paige said...

Patrick, Meredith, and Cole,
we are so incredibly sorry for your loss. We are praying for peace and comfort for your family.

June 26, 2011 10:13 PM

In this wonderful life... said...

I'm praying for you guys! xo

June 26, 2011 11:50 PM

Dana Daniel said...

Mer,
I am just speachless! You and Patrick have both amazed me in your grace and your love for each other, your family, and your faith. I am horrible with words but want you to know that your family has not left our thoughts or prayers once. We are STILL with Miller and Miller will always be with us! Hugs, Dana

June 27, 2011 8:20 AM

Anonymous said...

I have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. What a precious family you are. I do not know you but have been praying for your stregnth and understanding since I heard of Miller's story. Know he is now at peace and what an amazing guardian angel you now have. Many blessings and thoughts from Montana - Sarah

June 27, 2011 9:19 AM

Ashley said...

I came across your blog through another blog I follow. I'm praying for you by name! May God be with you.

June 27, 2011 9:34 AM

Kristi (Turley) Jackson said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your entire family during this time of sorrow.

June 27, 2011 11:48 AM

Sarah Bussey said...

Miller was and is a very very loved little boy who was sent here to touch us all. Meredith thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You and Patrick are amazing and we all love you so much. I know Miller is smiling down on you right know telling you he is okay.

June 27, 2011 3:10 PM

Amber Upton said...

Patrick and Meredith,
Your strength and amazing attitude shown through this post is so touching. Words can not describe how much it touched me. Jesus's love has really been shown through you and your family and it is so evident in your story. I admire your strength and faith. What amazes me is there are soo many people that i know don't know you guys personally that have found out about Millers story through others and they have been so deeply touched by your strength and faith. I have prayed for you guys and am blessed to have worked with Patrick at Signature. I have so much respect for you as parents. I had my sweet little kinsley on March 15th, I hope I am half the mom to Her as your were for Miller in the short time he was here. He was so blessed to have you as his mother. I think it is amazing how God gave Cole understanding just like you wanted. I am still praying for you daily.
Amber Upton

June 27, 2011 3:12 PM

Erin said...

Meredith, my heart breaks for you. I am in awe of the strength our amazing Father has given you and will be praying for you and your family.

June 27, 2011 4:40 PM

KILESBABY said...

And what an angel he is.. I am so sorry for your loss how do i tell you what a great mother you are and how strong you have shown god you were for this beautiful little boy. he has touched my life thank you so much for sharing him with me. I have 2 beautiful boys and i will go home and hold them a little tighter tonight lifes to precious to take for granted. I am praying for healing for you your husband and Cole I am so sorry for your loss. may god carry you through this time of trials and need. Kiley

June 27, 2011 5:15 PM

MaRia said...

Prayers for you and your family. May you feel God's guiding hand holding you through it all and the days and years ahead.

June 27, 2011 8:19 PM

Jessica said...

Hi Meredith,
I'm a complete stranger to you, but your family and your story have become something that has been inspiring me for several weeks. We have several mutual friends and I learned about your story when I started seeing MWM everywhere. I want you to know that my heart aches for you and your family. You're sweet Miller has become an inspiration for so many people that you will never know. As a Christian, I am even more inspired by your relentless faith. You're an amazing woman, Meredith and your sweet boy was an angel on Earth. May God continue to bless your family and know that even strangers are praying for you daily.
Jessica

June 27, 2011 9:36 PM

Taylor said...

Meredith, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are the strongest woman I know and I feel lucky to know you :) Miller is an angel and I am so glad we got to have him here! Praying for you always! The Suttons are with Miller :)

June 27, 2011 10:02 PM

Anonymous said...

Meredith, we are so sorry for loss. I know you don't know us, but we have been following your blog for a while, we have a friend in common. I am amazed by your grace, our prayers are with you. May you find peace...

June 27, 2011 11:33 PM

Natalie Joy said...

Meredith, we don't know one another, but we have some mutual friends (Amber Whetstone and Rachel Cox). I found your story through a facebook link. Blessings to your family as you grieve this loss. A dear friend of my family went Home to our Lord that same morning. Sweet Fred was in his late 80's and was also a patient at Circle of Life. I can just picture Fred welcoming your sweet baby into the arms of Jesus, as he had passed only a few hours before your son. Thanks for sharing your story. God's peace and strength with you.

June 28, 2011 8:39 AM

ReallyHighMaintenance said...

Meredith-
You do not know me; but we have mutual friends and I have read your blog through them. Thank you for having the strength to share your story of your precious son. You have so much courage and I admire you so much. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family...I will pray for you each day; asking God to simply be whatever you need Him to be in your hardest moments! God is holding Miller now and you are right he is "FREE" from all the pain and worry that we face on this earth. We serve such a loving God ...and I'm comforted to know that Miller is experiencing the greatest Love that ever was in existence now in Heaven...and he expreienced the greatest earthly love from his mom, dad and brother while here! Lifting you up in prayer and sweet thoughts!
Love,
Haleigh Millwee

June 28, 2011 11:32 AM

Ashley said...

I have been praying for you through this journey and I am so sorry for all that you have been through. My twin nieces were born exactly one year before Miller and one of them went to be with Jesus on June 10th. I know that every day, even though there wasn't enough, you had with sweet little Miller will forever be a great memory for you. Praying that God gives you an overwhelming amount of peace and comfort.

June 28, 2011 3:22 PM

Michelle said...

Meredith, I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this has been for all of your family!!! But, I am amazed and inspired by your strength, faith, and ability to share your emotions with the world. It has touched people everywhere. I never got to hold or see miller in person but through your blog I fell completely in love with him.......he is one special little ANGEL!!!!! My heart is with your family and will continue to pray for peace and strength for all of you. The Fakouris are ALWAYS with Miller!
Love-- Michelle

June 28, 2011 4:09 PM

Victoria Strong said...

Dear Meredith, Someone posted your blog on my blog and I am so. so sorry for your loss. My daughter also has SMA and it is devastating. If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to contact me. Miller was clearly a very loved little boy. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

June 29, 2011 2:47 AM

Tracy said...

You guys are on my mind and in my heart all the time. Praying so hard for your peace at such a difficult time!

June 29, 2011 10:25 AM

Junanne Brown said...

Meredith--You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers for weeks. I've started so many times to e-mail you, but words are so difficult. Miller was a beautiful, precious little boy. Obviously, his short life will play a role in ministering to many others. The faith and knowledge that you have shared with others is amazing. I don't know Patrick or his family, but you seem to have jewels in your life. Of course, I know your family is very supportive. I know that there will be hard days ahead for all of you, but I also know that our Lord will provide the strength you need. If there is every anything that I can do, please let me know. I will continue to pray for all of you. Junanne Brown

June 29, 2011 8:55 PM

Sarah Pope said...

I wish I had more to say than the people who have already written. I just wanted you to know that there was just ONE more person out there who loved your family from afar and loved Miller and who is praying for your sweet family.

July 1, 2011 2:39 PM

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been following your blog and Millers Facebook page for weeks. I have a baby boy who shares Millers birthday. Now, instead of rolling my eyes when he cries or getting frustrated at night when he wakes me up, I replace those emotions by thanking God that I actually HAVE Bryce. You have given me a new outlook on mommyhood :) Thank you again.

July 1, 2011 7:09 PM

Carla said...

Meredith,
We pray for you and your family everyday. Miller's story has touched our lives and your strength to share it inspires me beyond belief.
You are an amazing mom.
Love,
Carla

July 6, 2011 7:34 AM

Britney said...

Meredith, This beautifully written post is such a tribute to what your family is all about. Miller is so loved! His life has touched so many and will continue to in so many ways. Thank you for being so open with your grief. I know Miller is so proud of his mama.

July 6, 2011 10:09 PM

Stacy said...

Hi Meredith,
We don't know each other but I came across your blog through another blog and immediately took note when I read about your sweet Miller. I also live in Texarkana, and I read you have friends and family here so I wanted to give a shout out to you. I have been praying for you and your family during this diffcult time.

July 7, 2011 3:32 PM

e photography said...

you guys are amazing~ your story gave me shivers : )

September 24, 2011 2:35 PM