Has it really been 2 months??? Two months ago today, I woke up with my lifeless baby on my chest. It's a moment I will never forget. One that brought so much pain, yet so much joy. Obvious pain for the loss of our precious baby boy, but joy that our prayers had been answered. Little Miller went in his sleep, listening to his momma's heartbeat. When I get sad about the moment (because it's an image that I can't seem to shake), I have to remember what the alternative could have been. We didn't have to watch him suffer. What a BLESSING that was!
For the most part, Patrick and I are holding up really good. I truly feel like we are literally being lifted by everyone's prayers. It's almost like an out of body experience. I can't explain the peace I have, knowing SO many people are praying for us. When I happen to have a bad night (most of my bad times come at bedtime), I send a text out to some of my closest friends, simply asking for some extra prayers, and it's like the second I hit "send" a calm comes over me and I can go to sleep. I'm sure some of it's mental, because I know most of the texts don't get read until the next morning;), but I know God has His hand on me.
Probably the worst day I've had was last Wednesday. I don't know what hit me, but it started Tuesday night on our way home from Taco Tuesday at the Woodruff's. I started crying and couldn't stop, so I sent my generic text out and immediately felt better;)! When I woke up Wednesday morning I felt fine, but on my drive to work that dang lump crept back into my throat. I fought back tears all morning, until something sparked and I couldn't hold them in anymore. I would gain my composure and then it would happen again. I just couldn't pull it together. I missed him so much! For 9 months my body/mind/hormones were preparing to have a baby and now there is no baby for me to hold and nurture. There is no lack of love, because my heart is exploding with love for him, and always will, but my maternal instinct needs him here physically. It's a strange, strange feeling!
With all that being said, the sun did come up the next day! It always seems to do that;)!!!
I have a ton more I could go on about, but I'll spare you all and just leave you with this YouTube video. This is one of the songs from Miller's service. It speaks so loudly to my heart. I hope you enjoy:)!
(don't forget to pause my playlist at the bottom of the blog before playing the video. This song is actually on my playlist, so you may have heard it on our blog before:)
Christmas Day and Birthday Celebrations
6 months ago
9 comments:
I've been following you since I heard about Miller. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought or prayed for your family. So sorry for the loss of your sweet boy! Lifting you up!!!
Meredith, you are an amazing woman. I know Miller looks down and thinks he was so lucky to have you as a mom. You are constantly in my prayers.
I love this song too. Laura Story goes to my church and leads the worship all the time. I just heard this in my car about 15 minutes ago.
I love this song as well. It spoke to my heart when I lost my son. I pray for you often. And will continue to pray for you and your family.
I have been following you too since I heard about Miller. Sorry I was out of town and couldn't visit Bella Jacks on Saturday. Beau (Paige's husband) is my cousin so I am glad they were able to help you raise all that money. You have been a true encouragement to anyone who has to go through what you did!
I don't know you personally. But I came across your blog on one of my friends blogs. And I have to say you are one of strongest women I know. I have been following your blog since I first read about you and your sweet family. I think about your family and pray for you daily.
i cannot imagine. i think of and pray for you all daily as well!
I've been following you since hearing about Miller and have prayed for your family since then and will continue. May God bless your family in great abundance.
There are so many prayers that are being said on behalf of you and your entire family. For Patrick, Cole and Miller and for you each day, we pray for a sense of peace and understanding. Sometimes though things are just bigger than we are and that is when we have to let go of our simple reasoning and rational and let God have His Way with His infinite and infallable Plan. You are quite the woman, Meredith, and I can only hope that one day I can have half of the strength and courage that you do. May God continue to bless you and Patrick, Cole and little Mr. Miller as well. God bless your family in the good times as well as those that He carries you through and keeps you all close to Him. Much luvs!
Meredith, I have always thought of you and sweet Miller when I hear this song. The words speak the truth, and how awesome it is that "this is not our home." There is no better truth than that!! Hugs to you all.
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